|The Lounge at Casa de Nickas
6:40 PM: It's Mike Ditka Night at Soldier field. Outside of his ESPN gig, I hear he's kind of hard up for cash. He'll shill for anything for a buck - MIKE DITKA'S LUBRICATED CATHETERS! AFFORDABLE AND DISCREET!
6:45 PM: The Bears run defense is maybe as bad I've ever seen it. Expect a not-too-uncalled-for excessive amount of bitching about this tonight.
6:48 PM: Dallas marched down the field on our seive like defense. Time for a shot of Gentleman Jack!
6:52 PM: Devin Hester back for a return. He outran a cheetah on this special I watched on National Geographic the other night, but he hasn't been able to outrun an overweight special teams player for about three years.
6:58 PM: ESPN analyst Jon Gruden sounds absolutely HAMMERED tonight. I'm sure there will be some some drunken Gruden commentary tonight as well.
7:02 PM: I love the guy, but Matt Forte needs to officially change his name to "Matt Forte Limps Off The Field."
7:03 PM: TOUCHDOWN BEARS! EAT SHIT DALLAS!
7:05 PM: There's an extended ad for the new Hobbit movie. WAY TO KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE ESPN!
7:11 PM: End of the 1st quarter: Chicago 7, Dallas 7.
7:14 PM: Holy shit the Bears actually stopped somebody!
|Believe it or not, I've lost some weight. Pathetic!
7:21 PM: Tonight's meal, a baked potato minus the FEEEIXINS because my chubby ass is trying damn hard not to be so chubby anymoWHOOOAAA TOUCHDOWN BEARS!! I'm used to the defense scoring everything.
7:28 PM: Most accurate portrayal of a historical figure: Tom Hanks as Walt Disney, or Ben Walker as Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter?
7:29 PM: Water freezes when it gets cold? WEIRD!
7:33 PM: TIRICO: Lisa, what's the cold doing to the players down on the sidelines?
LISA SALTERS: Shrinking their penises Mike.
TIRICO: Thank you Lisa. What are you doing after the game?
7:35 PM: Touchdown Dallas. The Bears defense couldn't cover George Thorogood's Bad To The Bone. In case you were wondering, this game features the NFL's 29th and 32nd ranked defenses.
7:38 PM: GRUDEN: THIS BEARS DEFENSE, I CALL THEM THE REBEL ALLIANCE, BECAUSE IT’S COLD AS SHIT AND THEY’RE GETTING SHREDDED BY THE EVIL EMPIRE
7:54 PM: Is Axe the new Drakkar Noir?
7:56 PM: I really hope Lisa Salters interviews Julius Peppers after the game. I also think the two beers and two shots of whiskey just kicked in.
7:58 PM: I can't remember the last time the Bears had all three timeouts with a minute to go in a half! I don't think they know how to run a 2-minute drill under these conditions!
8:01 PM: HOLEEE JESUS! Touchdown Bears on a flat out ridiculous pass to meastly receiver Alshon Jeffrey!
8:04 PM: Halftime Chicago 24, Dallas 14. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, like millions of people were buzzed, and their buzzes were suddenly killed by Chris Fucking Berman.