Monday, December 9, 2013

The Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football - Live Blog!

Hey, it's been awhile.  But there's snow on the ground, not a lot of people are hitting little white balls with sticks, so you know what that means...The return of the 'Monster! Tonight a special insight as to what happens on the odd occasion that my beloved Chicago Bears are featured on TV here in Salt Lick, and a Monday Night Football game to boot, with a backup quarterback no less, on a completely frozen Soldier Field! DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN! This entry won't be everybody's cup of tea, or you might surprise yourself and enjoy it, but here's a (not really) minute by minute rundown of the fan experience...from my couch.  You know how big a fanatic I can be about the Bears from my previous post An Exercise in Self-Flagellation, so I hope you enjoy it. Will my liver survive? Well, if this doesn't show up in my feed by 10:30 tonight, I'm probably roaming the streets! Here we go!

The Lounge at Casa de Nickas
6:38 PM:  We're live from the lounge at Casa de Nickas! Beverages this evening, Shiner Bock in my official Chicago Bears beer coozie, and in case things go horribly south, Gentleman Jack!  On commentary tonight, alleged lecher Mike Tirico, Drunken Jon Gruden, and Lisa Salters as random sideline reporter lady.


6:40 PM:  It's Mike Ditka Night at Soldier field. Outside of his ESPN gig, I hear he's kind of hard up for cash. He'll shill for anything for a buck - MIKE DITKA'S LUBRICATED CATHETERS!  AFFORDABLE AND DISCREET!

6:45 PM:  The Bears run defense is maybe as bad I've ever seen it.  Expect a not-too-uncalled-for excessive amount of bitching about this tonight.

6:48 PM:  Dallas marched down the field on our seive like defense. Time for a shot of Gentleman Jack!

6:52 PM:  Devin Hester back for a return. He outran a cheetah on this special I watched on National Geographic the other night, but he hasn't been able to outrun an overweight special teams player for about three years.

6:58 PM:  ESPN analyst Jon Gruden sounds absolutely HAMMERED tonight. I'm sure there will be some some drunken Gruden commentary tonight as well.

7:02 PM:  I love the guy, but Matt Forte needs to officially change his name to "Matt Forte Limps Off The Field."

7:03 PM:  TOUCHDOWN BEARS!  EAT SHIT DALLAS!

7:05 PM:  There's an extended ad for the new Hobbit movie.  WAY TO KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE ESPN!

7:11 PM:  End of the 1st quarter: Chicago 7, Dallas 7.

7:14 PM:  Holy shit the Bears actually stopped somebody!

Believe it or not, I've lost some weight. Pathetic!
7:17 PM:  This whole 'the Bears have a somewhat competent passing game" thing is really pretty neat!  Almost like a real NFL team!

7:21 PM:  Tonight's meal, a baked potato minus the FEEEIXINS because my chubby ass is trying damn hard not to be so chubby anymoWHOOOAAA TOUCHDOWN BEARS!!  I'm used to the defense scoring everything.

7:28 PM:  Most accurate portrayal of a historical figure:  Tom Hanks as Walt Disney, or Ben Walker as Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter?

7:29 PM:  Water freezes when it gets cold?  WEIRD!

7:33 PM:  TIRICO:  Lisa, what's the cold doing to the players down on the sidelines?
LISA SALTERS:  Shrinking their penises Mike.
TIRICO:  Thank you Lisa. What are you doing after the game?

7:35 PM:  Touchdown Dallas.  The Bears defense couldn't cover George Thorogood's Bad To The Bone.  In case you were wondering, this game features the NFL's 29th and 32nd ranked defenses.

7:38 PM:  GRUDEN:  THIS BEARS DEFENSE, I CALL THEM THE REBEL ALLIANCE, BECAUSE IT’S COLD AS SHIT AND THEY’RE GETTING SHREDDED BY THE EVIL EMPIRE

7:54 PM:  Is Axe the new Drakkar Noir?

7:56 PM:  I really hope Lisa Salters interviews Julius Peppers after the game.  I also think the two beers and two shots of whiskey just kicked in.

7:58 PM:  I can't remember the last time the Bears had all three timeouts with a minute to go in a half!  I don't think they know how to run a 2-minute drill under these conditions!

8:01 PM:  HOLEEE JESUS! Touchdown Bears on a flat out ridiculous pass to meastly receiver Alshon Jeffrey!

8:04 PM:  Halftime Chicago 24, Dallas 14.  I felt a great disturbance in the Force, like millions of people were buzzed, and their buzzes were suddenly killed by Chris Fucking Berman.

Because I needed another excuse to post this.
8:11 PM:  Today we honor Coach Mike Ditka...as he freezes to death on live television.  Seriously, I know he's kind of turned into a doddering, right-wing nutcase these days, but man, back in the 80's he was like a third grandpa to me. When he got fired from the job as the Bears coach, I remember exactly where I was when it happened and I had a damn tough time taking my hunter's safety test that night.

8:14 PM:  DITKA:  GO BEARS!!! (I just ran through a brick wall. Whiskey may as well be PCP.  NO PAIN!)

8:21 PM:  The second half begins and Mike Tirico looks like he's dressed as an undercover cop.

8:28 PM:  Field Goal Chicago, 27-14 Bears.   Fun Fact:  Christmastime would be 1000% better without Christmas car commercials. You feel like a fuckup in life if you neither give nor receive a car with a bow on it.

8:38 PM:  The Wolf of Wall Street: because that dude from Catch Me If You Can had a cellmate with a story, too.

8:42 PM:  Easy with the throwing into triple coverage McCown! I'm not quite buzzed yet!

8:45 PM:  EMMIT SMITH:  "The Bears are doin' nice job of masturbatin' the ball down the feel."

8:46 PM:  Holy shit TOUCHDOWN BEARS!  They're now up 35-14 and looking entirely too competent tonight.  The whiskey is about to be replaced with a nice spring water.

8:53 PM:  GRUDEN:  THIS JERRY JONES, I CALL HIM SMAUG BECAUSE HE’S OLD, GREEDY, COVERED IN SCALES, AND LOVES TO DESTROY THOSE SMALLER THAN HIM

8:55 PM:  The desperate Cowboys go for it on 4th and long and Tony Romo basically spikes it after the Bears bring the heat.  He should have done what I did on my one career pass when I was a punter for the Central Price Bears in little league.  It was a rainy October night and we were getting the shit kicked out of us as usual. I go in to punt the ball away after our ninth straight three and out. The snap went over my head by about ten feet, I ran back into the endzone to pick it up and when I turned around the entire Helper Steelers defensive line was on top of me.  I let out a blood curdling scream that I'm sure my mortified parents could hear all the way in the top row of East Carbon High's stadium and chucked it as far as I could down field.  Not my proudest moment as an athlete.

I know what I said, but I had to gloat a little bit.
9:01 PM:  Another BEARS TOUCHDOWN!  42-14!  To Michael Bush.  Now I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but as a fantasy football aficionado, THAT HELPS NO ONE!  Got to say though, this is turning into a special year for me in fantasy.  After years of toiling, I finally have a system down and it's tough to stop and I'll shut up now because NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE'S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BUT THEIR OWN!!!

9:05 PM:  Jennifer Lawrence...dear lord.  That gal is a tall drink of all right.

YEEE HAW!  I'M FUCKIN' MOROSE!
9:07 PM:  Chris Conte, the Bears godawful strong safety, has just made 4 tackles in a row.  If you don't follow football, that's a really bad thing.

9:09 PM:  Touchdown Dallas:  Way to limp to the finish Chicago.

9:18 PM:  JERRY JONES:  YEE HAW!! AS LONG AS I SIT ON THESE STEPS NO ONE CAN LEAVE THIS BOOTH


9:25 PM:  Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas:  Because dignity died a long, long time ago.

Somehow this dude got the Bears to the playoffs in '05
9:26 PM:  Kyle Orton is now in for mop-up duty for Dallas.  I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the "Drunky QB!"

9:34 PM:  Dallas scores another touchdown.  It's nice to see Orton can still exploit 3rd string defenses LIKE A CHAMPION!

9:37 PM:  That's the ballgame folks!  The Bears win 45-28, actually played pretty good and I only needed 3 karma shots of whiskey and two beers tonight.  This isn't the same Bears I've been rooting for my entire life!

So that's all for tonight folks. This live blog thing  might've been entertaining, it might not have.  I don't know, I'm sure I'll hate it when I'm sober in the morning.  Anyway, it's nice to be back and posting again.  More in the future, including a return of my "Dorm Days" stories as well as some other stuff I've got bumping around in my head!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS FOLKS!